The Year That Was

I know I said in my newsletter that there would be no more new posts until next year but I’m feeling a little inspired (it could also be something to do with how exhausted I feel), so I thought I would share a little bit about my year.

It’s been a whirlwind, those close to me know it. I’ve had some incredible highs, I’ve met some beautiful people who are slowly becoming a part of my life, but most of all I’ve had to learn how to be a woman without a father.

I think that’s been the hardest. Grief is not neat, the stages of grief do not happen one after another; it’s messy, it’s hard and it fucking hurts. I’m not even going to sugar coat that. Everyone has asked me how I am, how I’m coping and honestly? I’m still running from it. The pain that’s inside my chest is too hard to bear. It hurts too much, so I keep going. I keep pushing on. I’m learning that there are moments that I can break down and it’s okay. I’m allowed to have them.

This year was supposed to be full of great things like: my book being ready, this blog taking off and my motivation being great, but I learned that sometimes I need to slow down and really get clear on what I want.

I toyed around with writing this post because I keep seeing everyone who have had amazing years and I’ve struggled to stay afloat. I’ve struggled to ask for help and look after myself. My weight has fluctuated which is the first sign I know that I’m not taking care of myself but in everything that has happened I have learned something: I’m stronger than ever. If I can survive losing one of the most important figures in my life I can survive anything life throws at me.

I’ve shed the negative, watched old friends pop in and out of my life again and said goodbye to some that I needed to. My life is good, I have a beautiful support system and beautiful friends and family. I love that I have this.

So while everyone else has had a huge positive year, I’ve had one that was not in the least bit positive. It was hard as fuck, but you know what? I’m glad. I’ve learned more in 8 months than I have in my 26 years.

I hope that 2014 was a great learning curve for you all and I look forward to what 2015 is going to bring. I know it’s going to be great (I have a book deadline. Just you wait and see!) Be safe and have a Happy New Year.

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Mandi is a writer, reader, dreamer and is breaking procrastinating inner editors, one at a time.

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