I learned something powerful in the midst of my dinner today, I’ve been on an emotional bender for the last few days, having severely brake downs and actually felt the true loss of my father. Bare with me here, I know I’ve covered this already a bit, but this feels different.
For two months I smiled and almost slept through what happened. It was denial, pure and simply put, I mean I knew it had happened but I was refusing to believe it. Part of me still wants to believe it and I think that writing will bring him back, but if I could I would write a hundred million words to make it happen. I would write until my fingers bled, I would keep going, but I can’t. He’s not coming back. Even if I want him to, he’s not.
And it’s funny; I hadn’t believed that until I re-read the last book in one of my favourite series during my reading binge. Rachel Vincent’s debut Shifter series is brilliant and if no one has read, you need to get onto it. I don’t care what you say, it’s one of the best series out and one of the many reasons why I have followed and chewed through every book Rachel has brought out. Or maybe don’t read it, I’m about to spoil it for you.
In Alpha, Faythe’s father dies. I knew this was coming up and when I read it, I could feel every bit of numbness she felt, every bit of disbelief and denial, but she said something that was powerful, something that resonated with me. Her dad named her as Alpha of their pride because she was ready for it; he groomed her because he knew that she would be the one taking over it not her husband-to-be as previously stated throughout the entire book.
And I’m looking back now and I realise that while I felt like he was mean and unfair, my dad gave me the strength and the skills I needed to make it in life. He gave me the ability to see right from wrong and helped me build up my confidence to push back when I didn’t think I had it in me. I used to be scared of him, but moving away showed me that I needed to get my life in order, that I needed to figure out how pull myself up and rely on myself. He let me push him just enough that I was able to break away.
No matter how much is hurts or how much I dislike asking for help, I need to, I need to tell people I’m not okay or that I need help. What I’m going through? It’s hard and it’s all encompassing, but I’m learning that there is something out there for me, I have to fix my priorities and while I know that being consistent is a real goal for me, I can’t make that happen with any sort of schedule at the moment, so this is me telling you guys that life is hectic right now. It’s hard for me to not want to withdraw and bury my nose in a book, because that makes me feel better, that makes the world better for me because getting lost in someone else’s world is better than dealing with my own.
It’s running away, but for the first time, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with going on a 5 day binge where I read 6 books and found my core desires (thanks Danielle LaPorte), because I needed to do it. And I’m probably going to continue to do it, but that’s okay, I know you will all be patient and supportive regardless, I’ll try to be consistent, but I can’t promise much. Not with the way that my feelings shift from day to day.
I hope you guys can understand and I look forward to seeing more from you. Make sure you join up to my emailing list and check out Sharing Sunday. I need more pieces.
Just as an ps too, my godson was born 5 precious days ago. I’m so excited to meet him in September!