Keeping it all locked inside or not…

I have to admit something.

I used to be afraid of change.

I used to be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, or letting my heart rate jump up to an uncomfortable flutter in my chest.

It wasn’t until I made the decision I worked on for a year and half (I had to wear my tough as paxamadi Greek father) before I went the hell with this and booked the flight that would ultimately change my life. I applied to a writing course. The one I just finished. I met up with the head of the course and was accepted on the spot for a course I was sure was going to turn me down and crush my little heart. It had happened once, why wouldn’t it happen again?

At the time my grandpa was alive and kicking and in good spirits. I told him and he laughed. Dad was hesitant and Mum…well Mum has always been the one to go to first before approaching big scary Dad. She was in denial. She didn’t want me to go, but she also knew I had to.

You see change has never been good for me. I was bullied all through my schooling year so every year I tried to look forward to not being bullied but it turns out that it was always worse than the year before. When I hit uni, there was no bullying but I made a few friends and that’s it (due to the nature of my course) so picking up everything and moving to Melbourne was one of the biggest changes of my life.

You see I used to be so afraid of change that I made a character of mine on my RPG site afraid of it too. She, like I, learned that change is good. It’s something that helps you grow and that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve grown. I’m not the same person I was this time two years ago. Even now I keep trying to change more. My eating habits, my spending habit, my body (I quite like the strength I’m gaining), my life. I’m living with an apartment in Melbourne with my housemate. I’m learning about thresholds and I’m seeing how much I’ve grown in the span of two years.

So even with this, I keep resisting the one thing I know that I shouldn’t.

Progress.

It’s almost like I expect to fail so I stall. The biggest thing right now is that I know I should be writing. Right now I was going to give this time to writing, but I opened the second novel I was working on during NaNo and I’m so taken by the idea of it. I mean I’m not even sure if I’ll get past 50,000 words for it, but it’s damn fun. Lyra and Leigh are so fun to write and I think it’s because I’m at a stage in my life where I’m stalling my own growth. There are basic needs and those that have been implemented into my by society and I feel stuck in a rut, but I’m telling myself that I will be able to have all of those once I’m done focusing on myself.

So I have to knuckle down.

I’m going to try to write the two novels side by side as well as try and stay on top of my posts here and on my RPG. I think it’s doable. I just need a routine.

What are you guys procrastinating with? Or what have you embraced? Let me know in the comments!