Sharing Sunday - Speed Bump Charlie ABC

Today’s Sharing Sunday piece is by a lovely lady by the name of Susan Day. Her piece is a poem from her children’s book she wrote last year! I’m envious, those things are hard to write! Speed Bump Charlie is her family cat in disguise, he leads a double life as the evil genius in Susan’s novel series. I hope you enjoy the piece, look out for more of Susan around the place too!

Speed Bump Charlie’s ABC

Welcome to my A B C,

I hope you’re not going to be,

A chicky-wicky, scaredy puss,

A spineless, jelly-kneed wuss.

You know the type that I mean,

They run and turn a shade of green,

When things come out at night and crawl,

And slither and slop across the floor.

For this tale will fill your heart with dread,

Your mind with fear; your feet with lead,

You’ll sleep soundly no more,

One eye on the window; the other on the door.

So if you’re brave and if you’re game,

If your fear you’ve managed to tame,

I dare you to begin this tale,

Before your courage starts to fail.

So, here we are on page one,

I hope you’re going to find this fun,

It’s an A B C; a kiddies’ book,

But happy and nice things I took.

And threw them away in the bin,

Horrid, cute, smiley things,

In their place I’ve left some stuff,

That’s slimy, gruesome and quite gruff.

Is A for apple that’s juicy and sweet,

With soft, white flesh that’s good to eat?

No, no, I think not,

A is for apple that’s black with rot,

That’s filled with slimy, gooey worms,

One bite will make your stomach churn.

And artwork that’s hung up walls,

Squeezed from the brains of boys and girls,

And aliens who drop in for a chat,

But plan to throttle you behind your back!

Is B for bunnies bouncing along?

Carrying baskets and singing a song?

Oh no! I think that,

B is for bananas with skins of black,

And bears with razor teeth and claws,

Who let out hellish, nightmarish roars,

Who chase you out of your bed at night,

And scare you so much your hair turns white.

B is for bogey man who fills your mind with fear,

The one that’s behind you now standing so near,

You can feel his breath upon your skin,

And sense his terror from deep within.

Now C is a letter I quite like,

For it stands for cat; a creature of the night,

Intelligence, good looks and charm,

Adds to a cat who’s calm.

But our tail will tell you how we feel,

A flick, a swirl, a swoosh, a reel,

Our fangs and hisses reveal more,

We slice and dice with just one claw,

We rip and tear and we shred,

Then quietly return to bed.

But from the charming letter C,

I’m afraid we go on to dire D.

Of dustbin lids where germs dwell,

And where dangerous diseases swell,

Up into dung heaps high,

That leak poison into the sky.

Oh, I suppose I can’t forget,

That D is for dog; the dreadful pet,

That whining, yappy, slobbering mutt,

Whose whole existence I’d like to stop,

And in whose place cats reign supreme.

This thought creates a little gleam,

Within my eye, my mind, my heart,

Whoops! The excitement made me fart!

Ah well, no mind, it matters not,

For the letter E is our next stop.

We all know E stands for egg,

The gas it will cause will make you beg,

And run screaming for fresh air,

Ah, let one loose now if you dare.

So if you’re sitting next to someone,

And you’ve let a stinker from your bum,

You’ll be alone soon but it’s just as well,

For the letter F has a scary tale to tell.

The fear and the fright will certainly freeze,

The blood in your head; the bones in your knees,

When you read of slimy, scabby frogs,

That live in rancid, putrid bogs,

That sneak into the children’s park,

And ooze pus everywhere for a lark.

So when the kiddies come out to play,

They are covered in goo that’s slimy and grey.

Then comes the grisly letter G,

Singing giraffes full of glee,

Of gardens full of colour and gleam,

Grapes of red; veggies of green?

Oh no, please wait, go on no more,

Or I’ll vomit all over your nice clean floor,

Let’s get this tale back on track,

G is for gruesome, gory and gack,

Oh, ok, I made the last word up,

But it’s better than reading about nice stuff.

If you think your stomach can hold

Let’s go to H and be very bold.

‘Cause H is for haunted houses and howls,

From horrid holes under the ground,

Where hideous hyenas crawl about and feed,

On horse’s skin and hippo’s knees.

It stands for holes in your new shoes,

Put there by horrible hounds whose,

Hunger can’t cease; it just can’t stop,

Until shoeless and cold your toes just drop off.

So if you think H stands for honey and horse,

I’m afraid you now know it stands for things much worse.

This brings us to the letter I,

So scared you’ll be I bet you cry,

You’ll weep, you’ll tear, I bet you sob,

As terrifying I does its job.

Let’s look at insects that crawl,

And creep silently up your wall,

Then wait until you’re at rest,

Then bungee jump onto to your chest.

And take it in turns to race up your nose,

Out your ears and through your clothes.

Do you know what letter’s next?

It’s the letter J; it gets no rest.

As jumping jacks bounce about,

On jellied eels, fat and stout,

Stuffed full of jelly beans,

Filled with pus, that rancid cream.

Then K brings us kicking kids,

King Kong ripping cars to bits,

Then silently – knots, knives and knitting,

With needles sharp and wool that’s itchin’.

The next letter folks often tell,

Stands for love; Yes, it’s the letter L.

But I’m afraid you’ll find no love here,

Unless your love is to fear,

Lions sucking on lemons and lard,

Lurking in your laundry working hard,

Squeezing swollen lumps on their legs,

Onto your mother’s favourite pegs.

Mmmm, now let me mutter; let me mumble,

Moans menacing as your courage crumbles.

M is where we’re up to now,

Where monsters munch on mutts that howl.

Monsters with measles; monsters with mumps,

Monsters with hair growing in clumps,

Out of each nostril and both their ears,

Dribbling mucus instead of tears.

Have I given you a terrible scare?

Peek at the next letter then if you dare.

N is for nits; nasty nipping things,

But that’s not all night time brings,

The most awful terrifying stuff,

I hope your door’s strong and tough,

As knocking nymphs need to wreck,

Poking needles in your neck.

Are you worried, you can’t take anymore?

Are you moving towards the door?

Run and if you must give up,

But I know a chap who likes to sup,

Ollie the Octopus thinks it’s fun,

To catch his dinner on the run.

Ollie’s tentacles stretch far and wide,

It’ll make no use where you hide,

He’ll tap you on the shoulder to begin,

Then his suckers will reel you in.

And curl you into a ball that’s tight,

Then in his pot you’ll spend the night.

He’ll boil you over coals and ash,

Then gobble you up with peas and mash.

Hip, hip, hooray and whooppeee!

It’s time to visit the letter P,

Things that are perfectly putrid and more,

Like puppies pouncing across the floor.

Horrible pesky creatures,

With so-called adorable features,

They nip, they bite, they scratch, they paw,

Then they pee all over the floor!

How disgusting, you know it’s true,

I’ve even heard they eat their poo!

Oh, no, please stop I’m going to spew,

Let’s hurry away to the letter Q.

For quivering quails never quit,

On rotten eggs they like to sit,

Or quilts they rip and tear asunder,

While quiet queens sit and wonder,

And think that things have gone too far,

While reading about the letter R.

For R is for rotten, ripping rats,

That travel in large unruly packs,

And are ready to gobble and to feast,

On rhino hide or some other beast.

They’re covered in fleas and often smell,

Like sewage from deep inside a well.

Although they may make your granny spew,

For lunch I might devour one or two,

Simmered in a sardine sauce,

And served with sautéed snake of course!

Can you see, can you guess?

We’ve moved onto the letter S,

And what a completely delightful letter,

This poem is about to get a whole lot better!

As we read about things that stick,

And slither and slop about a bit,

Of slugs that sneak into your slippers,

And snack on greasy smelly kippers.

There cold and slimy they like to stay,

Until you jump out of bed one day,

You think, ‘Oh no, the floor’s hard and cold!’

But be warned; but be told,

What’s about to happen heaven knows,

As slugs are squashed between your toes.

They ooze, they slime and they stink,

You squeal as you reach the brink,

Of madness; you can’t take anymore,

Of oozing slugs across the floor.

You escape by running up a tree,

But settle; relax; it’s time for the letter T.

Is T for turtles ticklin’ tums,

Of baby tigers just for fun?

I’ll let you guess; I’ll let you think,

A nudge from an elbow and a wink,

For you this tale must go on,

There’s more terrifying things to come.

Ticks with teeth sharp like razors,

Carrying electric Tasers,

Who want to chase you through the park,

And hope you’ll trip up in the dark,

And as you’re lying on the ground,

In a circle they’ll gather round,

And taunt you till you tell what’s true,

‘bout all the naughty lies you knew,

And how your siblings got the blame,

For acts carried out in your name.

Tut, tut, tsk tsk; let’s say no more,

And let’s see what U has in store.

Fear and loathing; horror and dread,

Umbrellas under a unicorn’s bed,

From the rain you wish to hide,

So ‘pop’ the brolley opens wide,

Then a thousand maggots hidden there,

Are destined to fall in your hair.

And laughing at your despair,

Are Vikings with violet hair,

Who munch and crunch on vampire bats,

Cooked with veggies; dipped in fat.

And if you think matters can’t get much worse,

This alphabet is like a curse,

We must keep up; we must go on,

‘Cause giving up is just no fun.

For W’s next; that wicked letter,

Whining wasps getting wetter,

From the pus squeezed from witches’ knees,

Making walrus’ sneeze,

Blubber shakes, then a wobble,

As on walnuts they are want to gobble.

And at last we come to X, Y, Z,

Oh, I’d rather just go to bed,

More useless letters there cannot be,

I’d prefer to cast them into the sea.

What’s the use of a letter that’s cross?

That says, “No! Do Not! You cannot toss,

That rubbish in the gutter! Stop!

It can’t go there! Litter, you must not!

Don’t got here; don’t go there!”

X stops your fun; ignore it if you dare.

And Y just adds the sound of ‘e’

To funny; to happy; Oh glory be!

Oh spew, oh puke; oh please stop!

You can keep Y I’d rather drop,

A yellowing yak burger on the floor,

Than suffer the letter Y anymore.

And now we’re come to the letter Z,

I suppose you’re tucked up in your bed,

But waiting in the cold still night,

In the dark to give a shocking fright,

Are Zebras with ears packed with fuzz,

So they can’t hear the deafening buzz,

Of wasps, of flies, of killer bees,

They’ll fly at you and you’ll scream!

You think you’re safe, this tale’s nearly done,

But I bet I can still make you run,

In fear, when I tell you that,

All the creepy things are coming back,

All the creatures in this book,

Are under your bed – go take a look!

But don’t cry ‘help’ or try to yell,

If you expect me to tell,

Someone that you’re really scared,

I’m just the cat who only dared,

To tell you a harmless bedtime story,

Zip UP now! You’re beginning to bore me.

I’m off to kill some mice for dinner,

I’m starving and getting a whole lot thinner,

So close your eyes and get some sleep,

And try not to let thoughts creep,

Into your head and into your mind,

Where lots of horrors you’re bound to find,

Are waiting to creep and to crawl,

And slither and slop across your floor!

Good Night!

About the Dreamer

Susan Day is passionate about children’s literature and wants to inspire children to follow their dreams. She created the Astro’s Adventures series and is currently illustrating the seventh book, Neptune’s Trident. Each book Susan creates encourages and promotes the wonderful art of story-telling with organic illustrations and characters that portray similar character traits that the readers’ pets share. Susan shares her home with dogs, in particular, Rocky, Stella, Alfie and Digger, from the Astro’s Adventures series, three rescue guinea pigs, two bossy cats and a very patient husband.

If you want to know more about Susan check out her blog, her Astro Aventure’s site and her Amazon author page. Leave her some love on here guys!