Old Habits Never Die




Look at this, two posts in one day. Bright-Eyed and Blog-Hearted has both inspired me and terrified me. I spent the good part of today being anxious as all fuck. Yeah swearing involved, sorry in advance. I was on Facebook, trying to get acquainted with the BH group and waiting for the first module to drop. It dropped at about 2:30 and as soon as I got the worksheets and listened to the audio, I crashed.

I crashed so hard that I went and had a nap and then instead of coming back and really looking at the material I went on a cleaning binge.

I do this this thing where I freak out about things that are different, that are hard and full of work. It’s resistance rearing it’s ugly face in moments I don’t want it to.

So I thought that I would sit down and do my schedule, a bonus piece from B-School and  I listened to the first short video and thought, ‘Okay, I can do this.’ But then listened to the second one and the third before I sat in silence at my computer with a pen and notebook. I’m supposed to write down everything I want to do with my writing coaching business as well as everything else in the year. That was terrifying. I felt overwhelmed and instead of writing more than the four things I have on my list at the moment, I put on my Nike’s, grabbed my keys and my phone and went for a walk. I didn’t have a heading, and I wanted to stay off the main road that is right near my apartment. Feeling very much a hermit today, I kept walking, I passed people and smiled but kept going. Then I turned and decided it was time to come back. But then…

Then I struck gold.

You see back at my parents house, our house is situated around the corner from a park. I used to go there to it when I was stressed (although I never knew that). It was a park that used to have a see-saw, a roundabout, a chain ladder, flying fox etc. It also had a tree that my childhood bestie manager to break her foot falling down on. It had places where we all could sit and being the scared-of-heights child I was (I’m still afraid of heights for the record), I used to sit on the lowest branch and watch the others climb up.

When I was older and didn’t have to tell Mum where I was going, I used to come to this park and sit on the swings. Swing myself higher and feel the rush of being up so high and trusting that if I held on tight enough nothing could touch me.

I still have that feeling now.

So when I stumbled across a park with a set of swings, my life was saved. I found my bliss; my hideout.

It’s funny, as kid I was always afraid of things that would hurt me. I was conscious of it. I didn’t like to be hurt, I think watching my younger brother, who was in and out of hospital with a congenital heart disease and a hurt I couldn’t fix, ruined me. I used to love the monkey bars. I would jump three or four bars in and happily go to the end and back, until I fell and winded myself. That feeling is one I will never forget, but I lost interest with monkey bars. It wasn’t until the last few year that I realised how strong I used to be. I’m so weak now. My hands hurt just trying to get across a very small set of bars, but the feeling is amazing.

At my secret park, there was, what looked like, a hammock (pictured above) and I laid down on it. Instantly my world was better. Life seemed calmer, happier. Like I said before, I found my bliss. Lying on the hammock I remember back to when I used to own one, it was the most relaxing thing in my life. I used to read with pillows and blankets for hours on end; it was in this hammock that I discovered The Vampire Diaries before anyone else knew about; it’s where I learned to daydream the most.

It’s funny that I go back to things that I used to do as a kid and they help relax me. I’m meditating daily and working out, but I keep coming back to the swings. My life can always be saved by swings, it seems.

Do you, my lovely followers and readers, have any childhood things that you go back to time and time again? Share them with me.

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