I had some very intense and beautiful conversations these last couple of days. They’re the kind that light up your soul and make you want to say more. Lots more. By nature I’m a listener. I like to listen before I say anything and even then I never actually say much because I don’t feel like I have enough to add to the conversation. I’m also someone who just loves to get away from the city and head to the country for a few days where there is quiet. It’s foreign to hear cars going down the road very often and the air is cleaner, it’s richer, almost like you can chew it and it’s fresh.
No one has ever understood why I love the country. I remember as a kid I used to get these horrible cracked lips and the only time it happened was right before we would pile into the car and head off to see family in the country. By the time we left I would always come home and my lips would be healed, so it’s literally my happy place when I don’t feel my best I run to the country. My best friend lives in the country and I love to hide out at her place and just chill. I always find I’m much more creative when I get there.
This time I left with a renewed sense of where I was going with my novel. I’ve been stuck on trying to change the huge narrative arc that has been around in my novel for years (almost since it’s inception) and I was told to change it (as I’ve already mentioned in another blog post). I have finally come to a happy medium with changing the piece I need, but it wouldn’t have come from sitting and puttering around at home.
There was something in Rach and Tara’s Spirited where it mentioned that sometimes getting out of where you are and changing your location actually helps the juices flow, so to speak, and it’s true. I had to step away from the mundane things in life and just chill before it came to me.
I also had to step away to finish that damn vision board. I thought I could do it at home and I kept trying but I just never had the actual discipline to sit down and do it. But I did it! And I can’t wait to print this baby out. It’s going to end up like everywhere. I’m so excited.
But back to the conversations I’ve had over the last two days. One of the ones that really stood out for me is about monogamy. I am hugely in favour of monogamy. Any other kind of was perplexes me and if it works for you, then hurrah, but for me it won’t. I know that I can trust someone infinitely. I mean with my ex I trusted him completely until he put this idea in my head that there was someone out there that wanted him and that she showed more interest in him than I did. I didn’t need someone to cling to me. I wanted to fix him, yes, I gave him the tools to try and ultimately it blew up in my face because it seemed like I was trying to change him when I pushed him to get help with the issues he had.
I trust until I’m given a reason not to, unless I’ve just met them and if there’s a pull that tells me, intuitively, not to trust them. Then I don’t. I don’t need someone who is clingy. Anyway I’m getting off topic here. What I had a talk about what how I feel about living/being with one person for the rest of my life. It terrifies me on one level, because there is this person that you’re bound to. You may love them, you may fall out of love with them but for me marriage is forever. If I was married, if I had that ring on my finger and all that jazz I would be honour bound to stay in that marriage, in that relationship. People grow apart all the time and sometimes it means that relationships come to a natural end because people are on two different paths and get there at different times. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the person.
What terrifies is finding someone who doesn’t understand that I need time alone. I need to retreat before I burn out. I can be that social butterfly, I can be the one who goes out and is on the go all the time but I need time to be a recluse. To sit back and just burrow into my own time, sit at the computer, write, troll around on the internet. It’s my way of recharging my batteries before I’m ready to go again.
I also need someone who is willing to work for what they want and not be complacent. They need to be moving forward with what drives them, what inspires them and understand that these thigns take work. A lot of people keep asking: “When can I read your novel?” and “When is it going to be published?” What people don’t understand is that I can’t give them an exact time. I can’t give them much of anything because I’m making it up as I go. I’m sitting down to do the work, or to procrastinate because I need it. When it gets done, is when it gets done. It’s going to be done my way and I’m going to try my best to meet my goal.
The fact that I need freedom too. I’m looking forward to the freedom that marriage (when I get there) will bring, not because I’m tied to someone else but because I’ll be free of having someone (say my parents) dictate what they want from me. I love them don’t get me wrong, they have raised me very well but I need to fight battled that they can’t help me win. I need to live on my own and not be stuck with their decisions for me.
Which brings me back to you lovely people. What do you think about being with one person for your entire life? Does it terrify you? Does it excite you? I want to know. Also where is your happy place? Leave me some comments!